FOOTBALL TIPS and THE CRAIC

FOOTBALL TIPS AND COMMENT W/E SUNDAY 5TH FEBRUARY

2012-01-31T13:20:00.012Z

LIVERPOOL WIN AMIDST THE BOOING

I am not a huge fan of the current Liverpool team or their manager Kenny Dalglish. I still remember the "dream team " pairing of King Kenny and his mucker Mr Barnes at Celtic Park .In my opinion they were a joke but to the Celtic fans they were anything but funny.
Having said that I must congratulate Kenny and his team on a very well deserved win in beating Man Utd by two goals to one at Anfield in Saturday's FA Cup match. United had most of the possession over all but the longer the match went on it did look more likely that if there were to be another goal ,Liverpool looked the more likely to be the team scoring it. Dalglish it also must be said made the better choice in his sub's, especially bringing on Bellamy just at the right time.
The atmosphere at Anfield was a bit malignant at times. It looked like some journalists were surprised and disappointed at this turn of events. Get real guys. Yes Suarez was found to have made racist comments to Evra the last time these two met. It was dealt with and Suarez got an eight match ban. What did anyone expect of the fans who obviously feel that they have lost one of their best players and were venting their feelings. That does not make them racist .The main reason I think is that if Suarez had got banned for kicking Evra the fans would still boo Evra even though he had a bruise as big as Anfield about his person. Of course there is no room for any form of racism but guys get real. Sometimes it is very obvious and sometimes not so. Over all it is a very wide remit and yes you have to get it right. Did Suarez deserve his eight match ban? That is a question we must all answer after looking at the facts. The panel that banned him decided that yes he did make racist remarks and dished out the eight match ban. I am of the belief that the majority of fans in the main at Anfield were not booing because they are racist but because they were missing their best player. In a huge crowd rationality becomes a distant cousin. I must also add that being born a proud member of the Glasgow Irish community. I have had the privilege of being called an Irish so and so, a Scottish so and so and the best one a plastic paddy. My friends it did not bother me except to say that I have never been called a Plastic Scot. That omission I think may be a latent form of racism in itself. Perhaps some one could let me know.

REVUE OF TIPS GIVEN : W/E 29th JANUARY

Another winning week was had and it is a habit that I could get used to. It was only fouteen pounds profit but it ended the month with me showing approximately 20% up over all. That is the first time this season that I have achieved this my target figure for a month . Indeed I am convinced that with some hard work this figure can be achieved for a complete season. Right enough this season got off to a disastrous start but since I have settled into this latest format at the end of November results have improved enormously. December showed £96.00 / 16% profit from £600.00 staked and January has shown £95.00 /20% profit from £480.00 staked. Altogether for the last two months a total of £1080.00 has been staked with a return of £1271.00. This then shows for the two months a profit of £191 / 17.7%.
Losses over all the season have been reduced to just £28.00. So hopefully profit beckons.Only time will tell.

WEEK ENDING THE 29/01 BREAKDOWN

MID-WEEK : ONE TIP GIVEN : TIP WON : - UP £22.00

SATURDAY 2 TIPS GIVEN : 1 WON : - DOWN £8.00

(ONE MATCH TIPPED ON SAT POSTPONED)

SUNDAY BEST : NO TIP GIVEN

TOTAL LAID : £90.00 : TOTAL RETURNED £104.00

£14.00 PROFIT OVER THE WEEK = 15.5%

PROFIT/LOSS OF TIPS GIVEN DECEMBER

14 Tips from 20 Won : Laid £600 Returned £696

Profit £96.00 = 16%

PROFIT/LOSS OF TIPS GIVEN JANUARY

12Tips from 16 Won : Laid £480 Returned £575
Profit £95.00 = 20%

PROFIT/LOSS OF TIPS GIVEN FEBRUARY

1Tip from 1 Won : Laid £30 Returned £48
Profit £18

TARGET RETURN 20%

TOP FIVE PREMIER LEAGUE GOAL ACES

NO 1 : ROBIN VAN PERSIE - ARSENAL - 19

NO 2 : DEMBA BA - NEWCASTLE - 15

NO 3 : SERGIO AGUERO - MAN CITY - 14

  NO 4 : WAYNE ROONEY - MAN UTD - 13

  NO 5 : YAKUBA - BLACKBURN - 12

WEDNESDAY TIP : SCOT'S DIV 2

8/13 ARBROATH win v STIRLING ALBION

RESULT :- ARBROATH 2 - 0 STIRLING ALBION

LAID :- £30.00 : RETURNED :- £48.00

SATURDAY : 3 x £30 WIN SINGLES

4/5 BURNLEY win v PETERBOROUGH

  RESULT :-

1/2 CHARLTON win v ROCHDALE

  RESULT :-

4/7 SHEFF WED win v YEOVIL

  RESULT :-

LAID :- £90.00 : RETURNED :- £

SUNDAY BEST

POSTING SATURDAY

RESULT :-

LAID :- : RETURNED :-

PROFIT / LOSS FOR SEASON TO DATE

TOTAL MONEY STAKED = £3,865.00

TOTAL MONEY RETURNED = £3,855.00

LOSS TO-DATE £10.00

TAKEN FROM THE GUARDIAN'S FIVER

ADVENTURES IN #FANBANTZ, PART MCMLXXVI

[FIVER STEPS ON SOAPBOX, CLEARS THROAT ...]

If several newspapers ran a story about a fan supporting the same football team as the Fiver being pictured directing what appeared to be monkey chants at a player on the opposition team, we're fairly confident we'd agree that directing what appear to be monkey chants at a black player on a rival team is a disgraceful thing that should not be tolerated in polite society. What we're fairly confident we wouldn't do is wedge a tinfoil hat over our ears, tape Polythene over the windows and take to the internet to bleat about outrageous media bias against our team, because the story in question made no mention of tasteless chants from rival fans, in which they mocked the victims of a horrible tragedy.

Drawing attention to the appalling behaviour of rival fans in a bid to deflect it away from the appalling behaviour of your own has long been a staple tactic of football supporters everywhere, but this season such sanctimonious yeah-but-what-about-ery seems to have plateaued into an art form. Where once the "their sectarian songs are more sectarian than our sectarian songs" defence so beloved of certain Queen's Celtic and Pope's O'Rangers fans has long been pathetic in a comical way, the shrill and sanctimonious yeah-but-what-about-ery line being peddled by certain Liverpool fans has become tedious, bordering on depressing.

Yes, yes ... we all know certain Manchester United fans sing tasteless songs about Hillsborough, just as we all know certain Liverpool fans sing equally tasteless songs about Munich, but quite what this has to do with a football fan directing what appear to be monkey chants at a black football player continues to baffle your admittedly simple Fiver. Hopefully it'll turn out to have been a big misunderstanding and the bloke in question just had really itchy armpits.

Anyway, the Fiver's glad to be "talking about the game and nothing else", just as Manchester United manager Lord Ferg had rather optimistically hoped in his pre-match presser. As feasts of football Liverpool v Manchester United was … well, the Fiver doesn't know how it was, because we missed most of it due to the fact that we were standing on a terrace at a Ryman League match in East Sussex, skulling pints amongst friends and rival fans in a convivial atmosphere where laughter, good-natured joshing and a general air of almost total indifference to the outcome of the entertaining game being played out in front of us reigned. Actually having fun at a football match – controversial, but that's how the Fiver rolls.

[FIVER STEPS DOWN FROM PULPIT, DONS TIN HAT, AWAITS PELTERS, ACCUSATIONS OF BIAS AND AGENDA-PEDDLING]

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"This auction is unprecedented not only in the history of Indian football but also for world football" - Indian Premier League Soccer suit, Bhaswar Goswami, reacts to FC Kolkata paying $200,000 to have Peter Reid manage their team and $530,000 to have Robbie Fowler lead their strike force at auction.

FIVER LETTERS

"During the vague monotony of Liverpool v Manchester United this weekend, I started to daydream about a possible new TV career for Danny Welbeck, if he should ever tire of football and decide to cash in on his now well-recognised brand. 'Danny Welbeck's Well Good Wells'; where the United frontman takes time in some of Britain's most picturesque historical wells. I was all for this idea until I was struck by 'Wayne Bridge's Train Bridges', in which the Manchester City full-back reflects on how Britain's railways stay horizontal, regardless of the terrain. Considering the time he currently has on his hands, I figure he might be up for it" - Lee Broderick.

"Re: David Fortune's musings on the incomplete pedant (Friday's Fiver letters). If the hypothetical poor unfortunate was missing 0.44 of his body parts, he would be 0.56 of a pedant, not 0.66. Unless of course he had 110% to start with, which in football maths is entirely plausible" - Jack Dunning (and 1,056 others).

FOOTBALL TIPS AND COMMENT W/E SUNDAY 29th JANUARY

2012-01-22T18:15:00.017Z

A CLUE TO THE NEXT PREMIER CHAMP'S ?

Manchester United are well known for winning many important games in the dying minutes of a game. In fact it has been expressed many times as one of the main reasons for their success . Well it does not come any later than it did for Man City who scored in the ninety fifth minute to beat Spurs 3 - 2. With only seconds remaining Balotelli was brought down in the penalty area and a penalty was duly awarded. Up stepped Mario to take the spot kick. No blasting at the ball for this guy but a superbly well placed ball which in the end gave City all three points. This was penalty taking at its very best.

It was a pulsating game of football. City were two goals up fifteen minutes after the half time restart and looked like coasting to a crucial and in my opinion a well deserved three points. Then just ten minutes later it was 2 - 2 . Goals from Defoe and Bale shocked City and suddenly it was game on. Stunned City must have been but they knuckled down and dug deep.Nip and tuck this match went, all the way up to Balotelli's deserved penalty kick when he was brought down by Ledley King. This was a terrific result in more ways than one for City.Two up then all square they never stopped competing and dare I say it they finished the game looking like true champions elect. I have said before that I fancied them for the title. This magnificent result only confirms my belief in them being champions come season's end.

REVUE OF TIPS GIVEN : W/E 22nd JANUARY

Slow but sure and another winning week in the bag. I have to be honest and admit to thinking that Saturday was going to show a loss when Cardiff scored almost at the final whistle to give me two wins from the three tips I had given. So many times it seems that a last minute goal either giveth or taketh away. Like many others I have had my fair share of seeing a winning punt snatched from my grasp in the dying moments .It can be a total sickener but when it goes in for a chap it is fantastic and makes this game that we love what it is.The greatest game in the world , bar none. Anyway with two from three Saturday and my mid-week tip winning as well it turned out another profitable week. It has also further reduced what at one time was an over all loss of several hundred quid over the season to £42.00.This I am sure can be turned into a profit and not before time. As always there will be setbacks but I do think that given the steady statistic over the last couple of months of 70% of tips winning does show I am on the right track.After what was a horrendous start to this season.

LAST WEEKS BREAKDOWN

MID-WEEK : ONE TIP GIVEN : TIP WON - UP £13.00

SATURDAY 3 TIPS GIVEN : TWO WON :- UP £18.00

SUNDAY BEST : NO TIP GIVEN

TOTAL LAID : £120.00 : TOTAL RETURNED £151.00

£31.00 PROFIT OVER THE WEEK = 26%

PROFIT/LOSS OF TIPS GIVEN DECEMBER

14 Tips from 20 Won : Laid £600 Returned £696

Profit £96.00 = 16%

PROFIT/LOSS OF TIPS GIVEN JANUARY

12Tips from 16 Won : Laid £480 Returned £575
Profit £95.00 = 20%

TARGET RETURN 20%

PREMIER LEAGUE'S TOP SCORERS

NO 1 : ROBIN VAN ( THE MAN ) PERSIE - ARSENAL :- 19

NO 2 : DEMBA BA - NEWCASTLE UTD :- 15

  NO 3 : SERGIO AGUERO - MAN CITY :- 14

   NO 4 : WAYNE ROONEY - MAN UTD :- 13

  NO 5 : YAKUBA - BLACKBURN :- 12

WEEK-DAY TIPS

LEAGUE 2 TUESDAY
-------------------------
8/11 TORQUAY win v DAG & RED

RESULT :- TORQUAY 1 - 0 DAG/REDBRIDGE

LAID :-£30.00 : RETURNED :-£52.00

SATURDAY : 3 x £30 WIN SINGLES

10/11 HULL win v CRAWLEY (FA CUP)

  RESULT :- HULL 0 - 1 CRAWLEY

8/11 TORQUAY win v N/HAMPTON (DIV. 2)

  RESULT :- TORQUAY 1 - 0 NORTHAMPTON

4/6 COWDENBEATH win v ALBION (SCOT'S DIV. 2)

  RESULT :- GAME POSTPONED : NO BET

LAID :- £60.00 : RETURNED :- £52.00

SUNDAY BEST

NO TIP

RESULT :-

LAID :- : RETURNED :-

PROFIT / LOSS FOR SEASON TO DATE

TOTAL MONEY STAKED = £3,835.00

TOTAL MONEY RETURNED = £3,807.00

LOSS TO-DATE £28.00

TAKEN FROM THE GUARDIAN'S FIVER

STAMPING IT OUT; AND A LAZY RUSSIAN

For 54 minutes yesterday, the most thrilling thing about what was shaping up to be a decidedly anti-climactic Super Sunday was Sky co-commentator Chris Coleman's insistence on referring to Joleon Lescott as "Julian", David Silva as "Dasilva" and Mario Balotelli – who wasn't even on the field at that point - as "Mario Bolacetti". But on the 55-minute mark, Manchester City's match against Tottenham lit up like a young Italian footballer's bathroom on Bonfire night, with Bolacetti himself making quite an impression, both on Scott Parker's head and the scoreline, hanging around long enough to dispatch the winner from the spot despite having wiped his feet on the prone Parker's face some minutes previously.

"He's backheeled him straight in the head," said 'Arry Redknapp, who along with his former boss Milan Mandaric appeared before the beak for the start of their trial on charges of tax-knack this morning. "I don't like talking about people kicking players in the head but when you see that, it's wrong." While the Fiver concurs and agrees that stamping should be … er, stamped out, we don't like talking about people kicking players in the head either, which is why we're moving swiftly on to Super Sunday's second match, in which Manchester United committed a smash-and-grab on Arsenal in their own backyard. Like the game that preceded it, it could have gone either way, but Arsenal, ravaged by both injury and the introduction of Andrey Arshavin after 74 minutes, came a cropper for the third league match in succession.

In a rare show of passionate disgruntlement of the kind last heard at the Emirates when Arsene Wenger spent £15m on some unproven, posh-sounding teenager from Southampton, Arsenal fans booed loudly when Wenger sent on his lazy Russian in place of the impressive Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, who Wenger said was suffering from lactic acid-knack. "I've been 30 years in this job and have made 50,000 substitutions and I have to justify every time I make a decision?" asked Wenger. As you can imagine, his comment prompted the Fiver to reach for its trusty abacus and work out that in an average 60-match season, this means the Arsenal manager uses 27.77 substitutes per game, although it would flatter Russia captain Arshavin no end to describe him as even 0.77 of the player he used to be.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"The reason why he is always injured is because we have $ex seven to 10 times a week. I hate foreplay, I want to get straight to the point. My favourite position is on top so I can take control" - Sports Illustrated model Melissa Satta offers an explanation for Milan midfielder Kevin-Prince Boateng's run of 'bad' luck with injuries, albeit an unconvincing one considering the jammy sod doesn't appear to have to do anything that would account for his litany of strains and niggles.

FIVER LETTERS

"I've no doubts on the validity of Matt Bassett's Dunga-in-Exeter anecdote (Friday's Fiver letters). However, labelling Timepiece as a 'trendy nightspot' really is stretching the truth" - Mark Hayman.

"I must take exception with your description of the 8-2 game at Old Trafford. Shellac is traditionally used to strengthen and protect fragile wooden items - like Szczesny! Not much sign of 'a good shellacking' from Arsenal's defence, then" - Declan Hackett.

Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver.

BITS AND BOBS

Alan Pardew has rewarded his Newcastle squad with a holiday after their 5-2 defeat to Fulham. "We won't be drinking, but it is a kind of 'let's see where we are and analyse everything,'" trilled Pardew, making a week in the Canaries sound about as much fun as a quarterly job-evaluation meeting.

A man has been arrested in connection with alleged r@cist chanting by a group of Chelsea fans on a train back from the club's 0-0 draw with Norwich.

A Russian-led investment company have agreed to take a large stake in Reading and want to strengthen the squad in the transfer window.

Sepp Blatter reckons Michel Platini "is ready" to succeed him as Fifa president. "He will be a good president of course. He will not be the same president as me," parped Blatter.

The Scottish Cup final will be played on Sunday instead of Saturday in 2013 due to regulations that prohibit any other TV scheduling clashing with Big Cup final coverage. Yes, even Scottish fitba.

And Preston North End players haven't reacted well to a rambling text sent by manager Graham Westley at 2.15am on Saturday, in which four players were dropped. "My aim is my next medal. My aim is my next win. My commitment is every ounce of sweat, brain and blood. I am sure you are with me," read an extract of Westley's text, making him sound a bit like a cross between Kool G Rap, Glenn Hoddle and Hannibal Lecter.

FOOTBALL TIPS AND COMMENT W/E 22nd JANUARY

2012-01-16T12:16:00.011Z

SOMETIMES IT CAN BE VERY HARD

Most times I am in all honesty quite envious of those guys doing a top job in football.Whether as a manager or a player what fan would not give his eye teeth to be in that position. Certainly I would, even though I am a wee bit away from having a complete set of the old pearly white's. There are times though and this is one such time when I would not swap place with for example the following three.

1) That fantastic player Thierry Henri who is back for a few weeks on loan to the club he once graced so very well .In fact he was held in such esteem that a statue was erected in his honour. There he was just a week ago brought on as a sub and duly scored the only and winning goal on his first game back. A hero returned. Fast forward to this week and once more he is brought on as a sub with about 30 minutes left to play in the game against Swansea. O.K. he was partly to blame in giving the ball away when Swansea ,who had come from behind went on and scored the winning goal. After the match was finished Henry went to applaud the fans who had travelled and was berated by an angry fan. From hero to villain in no time at all. That fan must have been a complete idiot but it still must have been quite a shock to a man who has just had a statue erected in his honour at the Emirates for past services to the Arsenal. Those services may I add that will take some beating.

2) Mark Hughes the new manager of Q.P.R. No way would I wish to swap places with him especially under the regime that has just got rid of a very decent manager. I just cannot see him doing a "Martin O'Neill " and I think that just like his predecessor it will end in tears.Possibly even before this year comes to an end.

3) Last but not least is there anyone out there who does not feel sympathy for striker Andy Carroll of Liverpool ? Bought for £35 million and just not looking like scoring any time soon. He really must be regretting moving from Newcastle.Yet how many of us in his position would have knocked back the chance of being set up for life with just putting pen to paper and moving to a club with Liverpool's history. Not many I suggest.

So there you are. Yes it must be a great life playing or managing a club and the rewards are fantastic. Just sometimes however it does pay to look at the other side of the coin. Right enough though all that money must take some of the pain out of it and hand on heart yes I suppose I would like to swap places......mmmmm..well maybe most of the time !

REVUE OF TIPS W/E 15th JANUARY

Another winning week .So like the week before there was no tip on Sunday as I was showing a decent profit and nothing was a real stand out. The week before if I had to go for something on the Sunday it would have been Man City and in fact they lost. This past Sunday it would have been Newcastle and they won 1 - 0. Fact is that I was not sufficiently convinced by either of them.This is why I think that if a decent profit has been made by Saturday evening and there is no stand out team that I fancy discretion should always be the better part of valour.It is when a bad week has been had that it is hard to stick to that rule.Yet that is what must be done. Absolutely no use in having a flutter just on the off chance that you might make good.As our Mickey Mouse Chancellor would say "discipline old boy" This is one thing that posh Gideon Osborne has indeed got right.

LAST WEEKS BREAKDOWN

MID-WEEK : ONE TIP GIVEN : TIP WON - UP £17.00

SATURDAY 3 TIPS GIVEN : TWO WON :- UP £16.00

SUNDAY BEST : NO TIP GIVEN

TOTAL LAID : £120.00 : TOTAL RETURNED £153.00

£33.00 PROFIT OVER THE WEEK = 27.5%

TIPS GIVEN MONTH OF DECEMBER

14 TIPS FROM 20 WON : Laid £600 -Returned £696

PROFIT :- £96.00 / 16%

TIPS GIVEN JANUARY UP TO DATE

9TIPS FROM 13 WON : Laid £390.00 -Returned £470.00

PROFIT : £80.00 / 20.5%

TARGET RETURN 20%

PREMIER LEAGUE'S TOP SCORERS

NO 1 : ROBIN VAN ( THE MAN ) PERSIE - ARSENAL :- 18

NO 2 : DEMBA BA - NEWCASTLE UTD :- 15

  NO 3 : SERGIO AGUERO - MAN CITY :- 14

   NO 4 : WAYNE ROONEY - MAN UTD :- 13

  NO 5 : YAKUBA - BLACKBURN :- 12

WEEK-DAY TIPS : MONDAY

4/9 MAN. CITY (a) win v WIGAN

RESULT :- MAN CITY 1 - 0 WIGAN

LAID :-£30.00 : RETURNED :-£43.00

   SATURDAY : 3 x £30 win SINGLES

8/11 BIRMINGHAM win v WATFORD

RESULT :- BIRMINGHAM 3 - 0 WATFORD

13/15 CARDIFF win v PORTSMOUTH

RESULT :-   CARDIFF 3 - 2 PORTSMOUTH

4/5 CHELTENHAM win v BRISTOL ROVERS

RESULT :-  CHELTENHAM 0 - 2 BR/ROVERS

LAID :- £90.00 : RETURNED :-£107.00

SUNDAY BEST

NO TIP

RESULT :-

LAID :- : RETURNED :-

PROFIT / LOSS FOR SEASON TO DATE

TOTAL MONEY STAKED = £3,745.00

TOTAL MONEY RETURNED = £3,703.00

LOSS TO-DATE £42.00

TAKEN FROM THE GUARDIAN'S FIVER

SOMETHING FOR AMERICAN MAJOR LEAGUE SOCCERBALL TO LOOK DOWN ON

When the Fiver's turban-wearing, curry-eating, snake-charming Indian cousin Slumdog Ganguly Fakir Fiver told us his country was on the verge of setting up a high-profile football league modelled on cricket's Indian Premier League, we cynically presumed it would be just another excuse for over-the-hill superstar mercenaries to make an extra few quid before retiring to the comparative obscurity of the Sky Masters indoor six-a-side league. You can imagine our surprise, then, upon discovering that, rather than signing up overweight wheezing has-beens trading on past glories, the big-name superstars who'll be up for auction in Kolkata for the eight-week, six-team league will include such svelte young tyros as Jay-Jay Okocha, Robert Pires, Hernan Crespo and Robbie Fowler.

"We have signed seven 'icon' players for the auction and each of the six teams will have one such player with a $600,000 salary cap," said Bhaswar Goswami, executive director of Celebrity Management Group, the company behind the wheeze. "Every team will have $2.5m to spend in the first year. They will have a maximum of four foreigners and a compulsory six under-21 Indian players in their squad," he continued, explaining the nuts and bolts of a tournament that, if nothing else, will give American Major League Soccerball and the Australian A-League something to look down on.

But with no shortage of football fans in West Bengal, these Indian league matches are likely to be well attended, and it is the prospect of showcasing his silky skills in front of passionate local crowds that has enticed Pires out of limbo. "If my club president likes me it could be 790,000 euros," he trilled. "It's a lot of money. I'm not going to complain about that, am I? But I'm not going there as a tourist. It's a new adventure." Also signing up for an intriguing adventure set to unfold from 25 February are English managerial icons John Barnes and Peter Reid, which ought to ensure no shortage of fancy-dan style tikka-taka as their players strive to get the ball in the onion bhaji.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Once again our travelling fans were absolutely fantastic. They gave us tremendous support in Wales and it makes us even more sorry for them because we didn't get the right result" – After last week's sickeningly sincere love-in, Arsene Wenger wastes no time in finding something he can disagree on with Thierry Henry.

AN ACE WITH A CALENDAR AND A DIARY

Despite sometimes overwhelming evidence to the contrary the Fiver feels like it understands football. To want to STOP FOOTBALL you have to first BE FOOTBALL, or something like that, and so we have paid some attention to what has been happening over the years, even if it has often appeared otherwise.

Roberto Mancini knows football too, which is handy as he manages a real-life professional football club in Manchester City, who can re-establish a three-point lead at the top of the table if they win at bottom side Wigan tonight. But it's not just football, the sport Mancini has devoted most of his life to, that he understands. It would appear he is also an ace with a calendar and a diary and has somehow managed to look at the dates of the Africa Cup of Nations and cross-check them against the Premier League fixture list to spot when his squad may be tested the most.

No wonder he earns the big bucks. "When I said one month ago that December and January would be the crucial months it was because I know football," Mancini said of the traditional busy months of the season: December and January. Mancini believes that such are the problems he is facing (three players missing – one of whom is Kolo Toure) that only one side in the world could cope with such a dire situation and that's the tiki-taka swigging aristocrats from Catalonia. "Maybe Barcelona could [cope]. Manchester City no," he said, implicitly implying that Lionel Messi and co are the only club who could do it on a cold Monday night in Wigan.

One other player whom Mancini is missing (though he refuses to go away – why won't he go away?) is Carlos Tevez. Inter have offered £21m for the striker in a bid to put us all out of our misery, but the Fiver knows that as sure as night follows day and being escorted from the premises in handcuffs immediately follows happy hour, this will not be the end of the Tevezzzzzzzzzzz saga. It will never end. That much is obvious. It's the hope we can't handle.

FIVER LETTERS

"Darron Gibson's tweet (Friday's Fiver) allows me to ask a question long on my mind: what's with footballers and 'facilities'? Whether expounding on a new club or an off-season US tour, they're always on about 'facilities'. Are they that dim and/or bored that the most worthwhile theme to comment on involves square footage and construction techniques? Or are they cleverly punking us to satirise the media's absurd obsession with guys who kick a ball for cash? What? Ah, OK" – Edward Lovett.

"So Inter currently lie in fifth place having failed to beat any of the top seven this season. Remarkable. Did they lose a game against their own reserves?" – Keith Lambourne.

FOOTBALL TIPS AND COMMENT W/E SUNDAY 15th JANUARY

2012-01-10T04:47:00.005Z

CITY LOOKING VERY GOOD

Manchester City lost this match by three goals to two but in my opinion they have come out victors in everything else except the result. Now of course the winning result is the biggie yet the manner of City's combined tactical and spirited fight back was most impressive. Three goals down and playing with ten men after Kompany was sent off they very nearly got the draw they undoubtedly deserved. They did not crumble and give in like United when they had just ten men and went on to get hammered 6-1 by this same City team ,more or less.

This looked like a United team bereft of ideas and were very lucky to hold on. I have consistently said that Ferdinand was passed it and this game proved it. Too slow old boy and time to go is my advice to Rio.I would also add that Scholes making an appearance says more about United than it does about him.He was a tremendous player in his day but that has gone now and he should be left retired with his dignity and reputation intact.

Now then to man of the match Rooney,not my favourite player it has to be said. You may agree or disagree with that award to him as we are all entitled to do. However his actions in running towards the ref gesticulating furiously in my opinion helped get Kompany sent off . This from a man who kicked an opponent from behind then had the cheek to appeal when he was quite rightly banned for
this cowardly attack and certainly he has no shortage of form in this nasty behaviour.I think I am right in saying that there was no or very little contact in the tackle by Kompany and after the match most pundits agreed that it was a harsh decision by the referee. I also have to add that the sight of Rooney running about kissing his shirt badge was a bit of a joke. Think back to his Everton days when he swore his loyalty to the blues, just before wads of dosh changed his mind. Then came the episode of him possibly crossing the City to Man U's great rivals. This he denied but funny enough a matter of weeks later he was granted a huge rise and of course this was nothing to do with the rumours of him going to the blue half of Manchester. Red till dead ? Well believe that if you will but no amount of badge kissing will convince me. This guy will be off maybe not now but it will happen as Manchester United I honestly think are a team in decline. If I am proved correct Rooney will be off like a shot and it will not be too long until he is kissing another badge or should I say wallet instead.

REVUE OF TIPS W/E 8th JANUARY

A very decent week indeed with three from four tips winning. Overall it produced a very creditable £47.00 profit from an outlay of £120.00.The most satisfying tip was undoubtedly Manchester City who beat Liverpool at a canter. This was particularly satisfying as City had gone down on new year's day when tipped against a resurgent Sunderland side . I was also very pleased to know just when to hold on to accrued profit and avoided giving a Sunday Best Tip where in all honesty I was leaning towards the blues once again . Know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em. Sound advice.

LAST WEEKS BREAKDOWN

MID-WEEK : ONE TIP GIVEN : TIP WON - UP £27.00

SATURDAY 3 TIPS GIVEN : TWO WON :- UP £20.00

SUNDAY BEST : NO TIP GIVEN

TOTAL LAID : £120.00 : TOTAL RETURNED £167.00

£47.00 PROFIT OVER THE WEEK - 39%

TIPS GIVEN MONTH OF DECEMBER

14 TIPS FROM 20 WON : Laid £600 -Returned £696

PROFIT :- £96.00 / 16%

TIPS GIVEN JANUARY UP TO DATE

6 TIPS FROM 9 WON : Laid £270.00 -Returned £320.00

PROFIT : £50.00 / 18.5%

TARGET RETURN 20%

PREMIER LEAGUE'S TOP SCORERS

NO 1 : ROBIN VAN ( THE MAN ) PERSIE - ARSENAL :- 17

NO 2 : DEMBA BA - NEWCASTLE UTD :- 15

  NO 3 : SERGIO AGUERO - MAN CITY :- 14

   NO 4 : WAYNE ROONEY - MAN UTD :- 13

  NO 5 : YAKUBA - BLACKBURN :- 12

WEEK-DAY TIPS : WEDNESDAY

4/7 TOTTENHAM win v EVERTON

RESULT :- TOTTENHAM 2 - 0 EVERTON

LAID :-£30.00 : RETURNED :-£47.00
PROFIT :- £17.00

*** SATURDAY 3 x £30 win SINGLES ***

8/13 HUDDERSFIELD win v OLDHAM

RESULT :-    HUDDERSFIELD 1 - 0 OLDHAM

15/16 DERBY win v COVENTRY

RESULT :-    DERBY 1 - 0 COVENTRY

4/5 ACC/STANLEY win v BARNET

RESULT :- ACCRINGTON STANLEY 0 - 3 BARNET

LAID :- £90.00 : RETURNED :- £106.00
PROFIT :- £16.00

SUNDAY BEST

NO TIP

RESULT :-

LAID :- : RETURNED :-

PROFIT / LOSS FOR SEASON TO DATE

TOTAL MONEY STAKED = £3,625.00

TOTAL MONEY RETURNED = £3,553.00

LOSS TO-DATE £72.00

TAKEN FROM THE GUARDIAN'S FIVER

A MAN WHO TELLS IT LIKE IT WAS

The Fiver has always liked Neil Warnock. Actually come to think of it, maybe that should be the Fiver has always hated Neil Warnock. The Fiver has always been having feelings of either a positive or negative nature about Neil Warnock because it is of course impossible not to hold a powerful opinion on football's feistiest impresario of the touchline, the man they love to actually really hate, a manager who emanates charisma from every fold of his zingy nylon shell-suit trousers, a man who tells it like it was every time whether you want it or not. And so naturally enough after some prompting the Fiver was alarmed with a thrill of joyful rage yesterday to hear that Warnock had been sacked by QPR overlord West Ham's Tony Fernandes - and all this just six months after Warnock took his team to an easily-deserved promotion to the promised land of broken promises.
Still, as the Fiver always says when one man finally leaves another door always seems to open for some reason - and so it has proved today with Mark Hughes set to make a sensational return to the west London hinterlands, perhaps even before Rangers' next game against Newcastle. Having walked away from a billionaire-backed mid-ranking suburban west London bantamweight in the summer, it seems Hughes is finally ready for a return to the right billionaire-backed mid-ranking suburban west London bantamweight. It has after all been a peculiar old time for Hughes who, having resigned in order to further his personal ambitions, has instead spent the last few months toting his vast granite-hewn head from TV stool to punditry sofa emitting grudging clench-jawed semi-blurts of football bleat in the hope that a chance glimpse of his visage will awaken some eager and covetous spirit in one of the Premier League's status-appropriate footballing overlords.
And no doubt this would be a fine move for all concerned. Hughes would get to stuff his oversized club-like ankles into a pair of leather loafers and parade the Loftus Road touchline chest-puffed like a squawking Grecian warrior-beast. QPR supporters get a vaguely Premier League, top-tier-style, big-time-ish if you squint manager-shape person, to be toted about the place like an empty leather gold-clasped briefcase bought for that new job in a moment of deluded optimism.
In fact for the Fiver - tearing its adoring gaze from the departing brouhaha of the irresistible Warnock - the most interesting person in all of this is perhaps West Ham's Fernandes himself, the mercurial Malaysian honcho-supremo who, for reasons that remain unclear, has 152,798 followers on Twitter and who seems to have created a new template for the ambient-managerial-sacking-drive by tweeting his way up to it:
23 December "Good call with Neil, mick and phil beard … Wished I had started in qpr a few months earlier."
1 January "Spoke to Neil and some of the players … Need a bit of luck."
6 January "Its important to note no one job is safe."
7 January "Driving back to london. Lots to think about."
8 January "There is no doubt Neil was a good man. A great man …"

To the Fiver's mind the only missing update in all of the above would be something along the lines of "7 January: Am currently strangling Neil with dressing gown cord while repeatedly forcing his head into a bucket of water. It is for the best." But Fernandes is clearly one to watch, and given that Hughes has already been sacked by the oil nabobs of Manchester and dismissed as "a strange man" by chairman Mo of Fulham, it almost looks like the perfect match.

QUOTE OF THE DAY
"This is a dreadful draw - the last things the two clubs need. It will be a really nasty atmosphere. It will be a new level, beyond what we have seen before … I can't even look forward to this game … If people thought the tension and spite between City and United fans was bad this weekend then they haven't seen anything yet" - Paddy Crerand reacts to news that Manchester United and Liverpool will face each other at Anfield in the FA Cup fourth round by doing the verbal equivalent of donning a tin hat and running for the hills.

HOORAY HENRY
Considering how little Thierry Henry expects to have to do during his two-month loan-spell at Arsenal from American soccerball franchise the Big Apple Energy Drinks, the Fiver can't help but wonder why Arsene Wenger didn't just unscrew the recently unveiled statue of the Frenchman from its plinth outside the Emirates and put that sitting in the dug-out instead*. "It looks more like I'm going to be a bench player," he said, before deciding that sounded too much like hard work and quickly revising his opinion. "Or maybe not on the bench but more of an 'out of the side' type of player."
Of course considering how famously astute a tactical innovator Wenger is, there's always the possibility he may use Henry as a false 'out of the side player', which could involve the Frenchman being in the side while simultaneously being out of the side - a state of affairs that ought to bamboozle Nasty Leeds for long enough at the Emirates in tonight's FA Cup third-round tie for Arsenal to put the tie to bed before their visitors from Yorkshire have figured out what foul chicanery is afoot.
Now aged 34 and having been in retirement in the USA for the past year, Arsenal's non-playing player was quick to reassure Gooners concerned that he might not be quick enough to play at the highest level, or against Nasty Leeds, any more. "If you have the awareness to see things before other players, you can get away with not having your legs," he sniffed, as Arsenal doctors gulped nervously and finally realised why he'd looked so much shorter than they remembered in his medical.
* In the interests of pre-empting inevitable reader pedantry, the Fiver would like it to be known that we are aware that the recently unveiled statue of Thierry Henry portrays him in celebratory knee-slide pose, which would render it difficult, if not impossible, to put it 'sitting' in the dugout. However, it could be hung upside down by its calves on an elevated common-or-garden dugout seat, even if this would leave the statue with its back to the action and unable to follow the game as it unfolds**. This problem could be overcome by the strategic placement of mirrors in front of the statue's upside-down face.

** In the interests of pre-empting inevitable reader pedantry, the Fiver would like it to be known that we are aware the recently unveiled statue of Thierry Henry was fashioned from bronze, a metal alloy comprised mainly of copper, and is therefore incapable of seeing anything as it is not equipped with the necessary organs to detect light and convert it into electro-chemical impulses in neurons.

FOOTBALL TIPS AND COMMENT W/E SUNDAY 8th JANUARY

2012-01-03T06:23:00.022Z

NEXT POST TUESDAY 10th JANUARY

SHOCK UPON SHOCK IN PREMIERSHIP

What is happening in the English Premiership? Man Utd, Man City, Chelsea and Arsenal all getting beat in the past few days. Now either the league is dumbing down or some of these very expensive players need to pull the finger out. I just cannot see how teams at the bottom of the league with limited resources such as Sunderland and Blackburn can beat the top two . the two Manchester clubs at the top of the league have everything in their favour. Perhaps they lack the one great thing that Martin's lads at Sunderland showed. The spirit and desire to win. Something that money just cannot buy. Maybe these superstars should be made watch how the Sunderland lads took all that was thrown at them and still had the temerity to fight back. Yes I do know that it probably was an aberration but well done you guys at Blackburn,Sunderland and Villa and many thanks for the spirited lesson that you handed out to your supposedly much better fellow footballers.

REVUE OF TIPS GIVEN LAST WEEK.

A losing week with that shock result on Sunday . Sunderland most certainly did not give me the start to the new year that I thought was a near good thing. Oh the pain of it . Still on the positive side December ended up a decent enough month with a 16% profit overall .Yes the new year has got off to a bad start but as the old saying goes " a bad start makes for a good finish. Here's hoping and may I wish you all a very prosperous punting year..

LAST WEEKS BREAKDOWN

MID-WEEK : NO TIPS :

SATURDAY 2 TIPS WON FROM 3 :- UP £9.00

SUNDAY BEST ONE TIP LOST :- DOWN £30.00

TOTAL LAID : £120.00 : TOTAL RETURNED £99.00

£21.00 LOSS OVER THE WEEK

TIPS GIVEN MONTH OF DECEMBER

14 TIPS FROM 20 WON : Laid £600 -Returned £696

PROFIT :- £96.00 / 16%

TIPS GIVEN JANUARY TO - DATE

3 TIPS FROM 5 WON : Laid £150.00 -Returned £167.00

PROFIT : £17.00 / 9%

TARGET RETURN 20%

PREMIER LEAGUE'S TOP SCORERS

WEEK-DAY TIPS / TUESDAY

10/11 MANCHESTER CITY win v LIVERPOOL

RESULT :- MAN CITY 3 - 0 LIVERPOOL

LAID :-£30.00 / RETURNED :-£57.00

*** SATURDAY SINGLES ***

ENGLISH FA CUP
-----------------------
5/6 W.B.A. win v CARDIFF

RESULT :-   W.B.A. 4 - 2 CARDIFF

----------------------------------------------------------------

SCOTTISH FA CUP
-------------------------
4/5 I.C.T. win v DUNFERMLINE

RESULT :- I.C.T. 1 - 1 DUNFERMLINE

5/6 HIBERNIAN (a) win v C/BEATH

RESULT :-    HIBERNIAN 3 - 2 COWDENBEATH

SATURDAY LAID OUT :- £90.00 : RETURNED :- £110.00

SUNDAY BEST

NO TIP
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THIS WEEK SEEN THREE TIPS FROM FOUR WIN.

Laid £120 : Return £167 : Profit of £47 = 39%

PROFIT / LOSS FOR SEASON TO DATE

TOTAL MONEY STAKED = £3,505.00

TOTAL MONEY RETURNED = £3,400.00

LOSS TO-DATE £105.00

TAKEN FROM THE GUARDIAN'S FIVER

WHAT YOU MAY HAVE MISSED …

Hello readers. The Fiver will refrain from wishing you a happy new year because we know how wrong it is to hear such cheer on your first day back at work, a bit like receiving a "get well soon" card at your funeral. Instead we'll press straight on with a … review of all the wild stuff that happened during the western world's annual homage to the pig-gods of obesity and usury.

For those who had their heads too immersed in ale and pudding to notice, here's a quick round-up of what occurred just after our end-of-year review, an excuse to give you an extra end-of-year review. Because there's never enough of them, eh? We tried to hire some pompous irritating no-mark to serve as a talking head but we couldn't find anyone so the Fiver will provide the commentary instead. What? Ah.

So anyway. Just after 25 December, as the entire Liverpool squad were about to set out on a pilgrimage to FA HQ with makeshift stigmata on their hands and crowns of thorns on their confused bonces, it emerged that their idol, Luis Suarez, may not have been such an unlucky martyr after all, and was really a very naughty boy. The disciplinary panel that banned the Liverpool striker, whom the Anfield faithful have proclaimed as one of the best strikers in the Premier League on the grounds that he has scored the same number of league goals this season as Franco Di Santo and England's Brave John Terry, issued a 115-page document in which it declared that Suarez's defence during the investigation into his racial abuse of Patrice Evra was about as reliable as his finishing. The document was so emphatic and comprehensive that some legal observers have suggested it would be a bitter act of foolishness to appeal against the eight-game ban imposed on the Uruguayan. An appeal is surely imminent, then …

Before that, though, Suarez, who missed Liverpool's win over Newcastle because of another ban – for flipping the bird at Fulham fans – will return to action tonight as Liverpool seek to do Manchester United a favour by winning against Manchester City, who were on the wrong end of a belated miracle of Christmas when they were beaten by Sunderland last weekend, 24 hours after Lord Ferg helped Blackeye Rovers to win at Old Trafford by tampering with his team on top of dropping Wayne Rooney for going to a restaurant with his wife (Rooney's wife, not Ferg's).

So it was a strange festive period, made all the more bizarre by moribund Aston Villa going goal-crazy at Chelsea. Happily, there were some seasonal staples to help us all keep our bearings: Joey Barton got sent off yesterday and blamed the opposition and the ref; and Arsenal bottled it, and blamed the opposition and the ref. All that remains for 2012 to complete a familiar hat-trick is for England to be eliminated from the Euros and blame the opposition, ref and foreign manager.

• Join Paul Doyle from 8pm for MBM coverage of Manchester City 1-1 Liverpool

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"We sent the creative to the health ministry and they then cleared it and circulated it. But how [his] picture got to be used is not clear" - KS Dhatwalia, additional secretary of the Directorate of Visual Publicity, attempts to explain how an image of England's Brave John Terry turned up on cigarette packs as part of an anti-smoking campaign in India.

FIVER LETTERS

"I surely can't have been alone in noticing that Peter Crouch celebrated his 100th league goal, against Blackeye Rovers, by raising one finger on his left hand, using his gob as a 0 and his right hand as another 0. I'm sure it looked good as he spent hours practising in a mirror but to those facing him it read 001. Bless" - Tony Gaunt.

"On January 4 2011 , the Fiver wrote: 'We've only received two letters since Christmas, one which wasn't even remotely funny and the other - a whinge from a Liverpool fan - which was, but for all the wrong reasons'. Why am I thinking that last bit might just happen again, but on a much larger scale?" - Olivier Tremblay.

"Re: the Fiver Christmas Awards (22 December). I would like to make a complaint. I received it on my smartphone and hastily read and thought it must be time to go home. I thought my day in work must have gone particularly fast (in fairness it was dark outside) and, as it was Christmas week, wasn't about to question it. I shut down my computer and put my coat on, then my eye caught the clock on a colleague's desk which read 11.08am, to my sheer dismay. In future I would prefer non-tea-timely Fiver emails to come with aforementioned warning. Thanks" - David McKee.

Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver.

BITS AND BOBS

FC Twente have sacked boss Co Adriaanse, with - and you'll like this - Shecond-Shoish Shteve set to take charge for a second time.

David Beckham is set to extend his stay in LA after PSG ended their bid to sign his image rights. "I met him and it's bad luck we didn't reach an agreement," sighed president Nasser al-Khelaifi.

The FA may charge Joey Barton and Neil Warnock for their comments in the aftermath of QPR's defeat to Norwich. Barton was sent off for headbutting Bradley Johnson and wrote on Twitter that Johnson had "conned" the referee. Johnson responded by writing 'Barton your breath stinks' on a banner at last night's world darts championship final.

Barnsley director Don Rowing has rejected claims that some of the club's fans taunted Doncaster striker Billy Sharp over the death of his two-day-old son during Monday's Championship game. "I don't think people are cruel enough to have actually made those comments," said Rowing.

Blue Square Bet Premier side Darlington are 10 points worse off after being placed in administration again.

And good news for Stephen Ireland: France international Franck Ribery intends to open an Arabic-themed shisha bar in his home town of Boulogne-sur-Mer. "I wanted a concept that's a little different from the ordinary," said Ribery, sounding like he knows a thing or two about hookahs.

FOOTBALL TIPS AND COMMENT W/E MONDAY 2nd JANUARY

2011-12-29T08:14:00.026Z

CELTIC STORM TO TOP SCOTTISH PREMIER

What an amazing turnaround by Glasgow Celtic in the last couple of months. There they were a massive 15 points behind run away leaders Rangers. Now after putting together nine straight wins ,including last nights 1-0 win over Rangers, they are sitting two points clear at the top of the league. They say that miracles do not happen . Well I think that even the staunchest Celtic supporter if asked seven or eight weeks ago could not have seen their club going into 2012 out in front and looking good to stay there.
As for Rangers it does look like they will need a miracle and not only on the pitch. It would not be exaggerating at all to say that their very future is at stake. The problem that the club has is quite simple . They are in dispute with the Inland Revenue over monies that may be owed. These I believe are enormous sums and could possibly put the club at risk of penury. How could a well supported and some may even say a Scottish Institution come to be so skint. Surely this cash shortage must have been obvious. Were their bank or banks unaware of the situation ,and if they were aware where was the advice that could and should have been given to prevent the club sinking to this pitiful state of affairs.
The outcome to the tax problem will be revealed I believe in the early part of next year. The thing is how many other skeletons are rattling about in the background. A very sorry state of affairs for a club who prided themselves on up holding the highest values. Lessons must be learned not just in Scottish football but professional football in general

REVUE OF TIPS GIVEN LAST WEEK.

A winning week and I bet not many were able to say that. Have you ever seen a week with so many draws in the Premiership. It did seem that most of the clubs had a pact to share the spoils in order to give the Bookmakers a huge prezzie in the form of rakes o cash and and making for them a truly happy and rich Xmas. It certainly seemed that way. So all in all I am chuffed that I got out of the week with a profit of £17.00. As I said earlier I do have the feeling given the results that I was in the minority. So one up for the Blog and I hope its readers..

LAST WEEKS BREAKDOWN

MID-WEEK : ONE TIP : WON :- UP £23.00

SATURDAY : 2 TIPS : 1 WON :1 LOST :- DOWN £6.00

SUNDAY BEST : NO TIP

TOTAL LAID : £90.00 : TOTAL RETURNED £107.00

£17.00 WIN OVER THE WEEK

TIPS GIVEN : DECEMBER ACCOUNT

TARGET :- 20% RETURN ON MONIES LAID

W/E 4th - LAID £120.00 - RETURN £150.00

PROFIT OF £30.00 - 3 WINS FROM 4 TIPS = 25% PROFIT

@

W/E 11th - LAID £150.00 - RETURN £191.00

PROFIT OF £41.00 - 4 WINS FROM 5 TIPS = 27% PROFIT

@

W/E 18th - LAID £150.00 - RETURN £149.00

LOSS OF £1.00 - 3 WINS FROM 5 TIPS = 0.66% LOSS

@

W/E 26th - LAID £90.00 - RETURN £107.00

PROFIT OF £17.00 - 2 WINS FROM 3 TIPS = 19% PROFIT

@

W/E 31st - LAID £90.00 - RETURN £99.00

PROFIT OF £9.00 - 2 WINS FROM 3 TIPS = 10% PROFIT

DECEMBER TO 31st LAID £600 : RETURN £696 = 16%

14 WINNING TIPS FROM 20 GIVEN = 70%

PREMIER LEAGUE'S TOP SCORERS

NO 1 : ROBIN VAN ( THE MAN ) PERSIE - ARSENAL :- 16

NO 2 : DEMBA BA - NEWCASTLE UTD :- 14

  NO 3 : SERGIO AGUERO - MAN CITY :- 13

   NO 3 : WAYNE ROONEY - MAN UTD :- 13

  NO 4 : EDIN DZEKO - MAN CITY :- 10

WEEK-DAY TIPS

NONE THIS WEEK

RESULT :-

LAID :- / RETURNED :-

*** SATURDAY SINGLES ***

8/11 STOKE CITY win v WIGAN

RESULT :- STOKE CITY  2 - 2 WIGAN

8/11 READING win v IPSWICH

RESULT :- READING 1 - 0 IPSWICH

4/7 SHEFFIELD UTD win v HARTLEPOOL

RESULT :- SHEFFIELD UTD 3 - 1 HARTLEPOOL

LAID OUT :- £90.00 : RETURNED :- £99.00

* SUNDAY BEST / NEW YEARS DAY

11/17 MAN CITY (a) win v SUNDERLAND

RESULT :- MAN CITY 0 - 1 SUNDERLAND

LAID OUT :- £30.00 : RETURNED :- £00.00

PROFIT / LOSS FOR SEASON TO DATE

TOTAL MONEY STAKED = £3,385.00

TOTAL MONEY RETURNED = £3,233.00

LOSS TO-DATE £152.00

TAKEN FROM THE GUARDIAN'S FIVER

"DEAR PREMIER LEAGUE LEADERS

With the passing of Kim Jong-il, who once claimed to have scored 38 under-par in a round of golf – 10 off the Fiver's best score, but a dubious boast nonetheless – the age of the unhinged billionaire lurches towards an end. In the past, billionaires were all about fiendish plots to take over Jupiter with an army of flying sharks but nowadays they give their fortunes away to charity or provide the children of Britain with innocent chuckles by signing malfunctioning strikers for £50m. Manchester City are the latest from the ranks of the super-rich to become grounded: instead of imploding following their loss to Chelsea, they went out and beat a feisty Arsenal side 1-0 to re-establish their lead at the top of the table.

"It was very important for us after the Chelsea game," warbled Roberto Mancini. "In football every team loses eventually and it is the reaction to losing that separates good teams from others. We wanted to go back to the top but we also know that the season is long, and we can't win the title without having a fight with United," he added, briefly summoning up the zingy image of Gunnar Nielsen and Ezekiel Fryers having a dust-up outside Yates's Wine Lodge, before the Fiver realised it was one of those boring metaphorical fights, like those against child poverty or hunger.

Meanwhile, Arsene Wenger beat 683 football hacks to the punch by declaring Arsenal's title challenge is all but over. "It was a game we couldn't afford to lose," Wenger said, after losing the match. "If we had won, the gap would have come down to six points and we would have players coming back from injury for the second half of the season. It will be difficult to close the gap but we will keep trying."

Over in the Midlands, the people of Birmingham were up in arms at the news that Nikola Zigic wants to stay at St Andr ... sorry, that a knacked Darren Bent decided to go on a shopping trip while his team were losing to Liverpool. Nevermind that scientists have proven that any individual with at least three senses intact can only watch an Alex McLeish side for a maximum of 38 minutes, the people wanted blood and Bent went on to Twitter to deliver his apology. "Nothing is more important to me than playing football, sadly injury meant I wasn't able to do that today. Gutted not to be involved. I hope to be back very soon. Watched the majority of the game on TV. Never knew popping out would cause an issue and for that I apologise."

The majority of the game? The man's a saint.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

23 November: "Mangia can be calm? Of course, I don't see why people always say I have problems with the coach … Mangia is doing well, he has to be calm, I'm satisfied. I hope he remains the next two-three years to build a project" - Palermo president Maurizio Zamparini insists boss Devis Mangia is going nowhere.

19 December: "Palermo announces it has dismissed Devis Mangia and his staff" - project put on ice.

FIVER LETTERS

"Now that Darren Bent has apologised for his shopping trip during Villa's defeat at the weekend, will John W Henry apologise to Liverpool fans for his shopping trip to Newcastle last January?" – Matthew Clemmo.

"I'm going to stick my neck out here and guess that I'm one of possibly, let's say, about 1,057 Chelsea-supporting pedants who are slightly miffed that you neglected to count Chelsea's 1998 Cup Winners' Cup victory in the Premiership Era's European Gong haul (Friday's Fiver). It's also possible that the same 1,057 of us are slightly less miffed that you didn't count the same year's Super Cup victory, or some other London team's 1993 CWC win" - Neal Butler (and no other Chelsea-supporting pedants).

Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver.

BITS AND BOBS

Blackeye Rovers' Scott Dann has joined the mercifully short list of footballers who have suffered sack-knack: he will be out for six weeks with a ruptured testicle.

Chelsea say Jay-T should be fit for Thursday's game at Tottenham, even though he twanged his achilles during an open training session this morning.

Sevilla president Jose Maria del Nido has been given seven-and-a-half years in the Big House after being convicted of fraud, corruption, embezzlement and employing Juande Ramos.

Italian dibble have arrested 17 people in their ongoing investigation into match-fixing and illegal betting, including the former Italy international Cristiano Doni.

And Rochdale have fired manager Steve Eyre and his assistant Frankie Bunn after six months in charge. "They are really nice people" said chairman Chris Dunphy, a split-second after ruining their Christmas.

FOOTBALL TIPS AND COMMENT W/E 26th DECEMBER

2011-12-21T05:44:00.024Z

POST FOR W/E 1st JAN:- THURSDAY

THE BEST TEAM IN THE WORLD BY FAR

Surely now even the most xenophobic football journalists based in Britain must see that Barcelona are without doubt the best footballing team in the world, Their four nil win against Santos to make them World Club Champions must have dispelled any lingering doubt. Even the coach of Santos Muricy Ramalho accepted just how good they were describing Barca as brilliant and just unbeatable at this moment in time. Now this from a man who's team has just been beaten 4 - 0 showed as much credit on him and his team as it did to Pep Guardiola and the trulymagnificent Barcelona.

Speaking of great teams. Is it possible that we just might have one in the making leading the English Premiership at this moment in time ? Manchester City took a giant step forward when they beat a resurgent Arsenal at home last Sunday. This was a very important win and it does seem that they could possibly remain unbeaten there for the rest of this season.In fact it looks like they will go into the new year top of the league for the first time in over eighty years. They have it has to be said the advantage of huge resources behind them and some are already saying that they are buying their way to the title. Well ,what is new then? I for one wish them well as they have certainly brought more competition to the top teams that are usually battling it at the head of the premiership. Namely Arsenal,Chelsea and Man Utd . This is no bad thing and has added to the excitement and drama that makes the English Premier League one of the best in the world.

REVUE OF TIPS GIVEN LAST WEEK.

It turned out a neutral week on the tipping front with an overall loss of just a single pound. With three tips winning out of the five it was an exciting week even though it ended up showing a very small loss.It would be nice if every losing week was like this one and every winning one showed big profit. So that my friends is my wish to Santa this Xmas. Thing is though I will not hold my breath and nor should you . Have a great Xmas and lets hope my tips this week will bring a bit of good cheer. .

LAST WEEKS BREAKDOWN

MID-WEEK : ONE TIP : WON :- UP £17.00

SATURDAY : 3 TIPS : 1 WON :2 LOST :- DOWN £30.00

SUNDAY.BEST : ONE TIP : WON :- UP £12.00

TOTAL LAID : £150.00 : TOTAL RETURNED £149.00

£1.00 LOSS OVER THE WEEK

PREMIER LEAGUE'S TOP SCORERS

NO 1 : ROBIN VAN ( THE MAN ) PERSIE - ARSENAL :- 16

  NO 2 : SERGIO AGUERO - MAN CITY :- 13

NO 2 : DEMBA BA - NEWCASTLE UTD :- 13

   NO 2 : WAYNE ROONEY - MAN UTD :- 13

  NO 5 : EDIN DZEKO - MAN CITY :- 10

PREMIER LEAGUE WEDNESDAY

10/13 ARSENAL (a) win v ASTON VILLA

RESULT :- ARSENAL 2 - 1 ASTON VILLA

LAID :-£30.00 / RETURNED :- £53.00

BOXING DAY SINGLES

1/2 MAN CITY (a) win v WEST BROMWICH

RESULT :- MAN. CITY 0 - 0 WEST BROM

4/5 BURNLEY win v DONCASTER

RESULT :- BURNLEY 3 - 0 DONCASTER

LAID OUT :- £60.00 : RETURNED :-£54.00

   ****** SUNDAY BEST *****

NONE THIS WEEK : MERRY XMAS TO ALL

     RESULT :-

LAID OUT :- : RETURNED :-

PROFIT / LOSS TO DECEMBER 28th

TOTAL MONEY STAKED = £3,265.00

TOTAL MONEY RETURNED = £3,134.00

LOSS TO-DATE £131.00

TAKEN FROM THE GUARDIAN'S FIVER

FOOTBALL TIPS AND COMMENT W/E 18th DECEMBER

2011-12-13T11:43:00.014Z

ANDRE VILLAS-BOAS SHOWS HIS METTLE

O.K.it was a close run game ultimately decided by a late penalty goal.Man City were down to ten men for most of the second half as well, but make no mistake this was a great win for Chelsea and their manager Villas-Boas. I do not know what he has done to some English sports journalists but they have been having a right go at him this past few days. This manager and his team have just beaten Valencia in the Champions league as well as a flying Newcastle in the premiership and now to cap it all the league leaders Man City 2 - 1. Why are they having a pop ? Is it because he has given one of their golden boys Frank Lampard a lesson on who is the boss now at Chelsea ? Frank was substituted and was not a happy camper, next game against Valencia he was on the bench. Then to cap it all his manager had him on the subs bench for this huge match against City . This shows the sort of guts that this manager has. Make no mistake Villas-Boas was a man under fantastic pressure in this game.Anyway he then brought on Lampard with eighteen minutes left to go and ( you could write the script yourselves ) Lampard scored the winning penalty a few minutes later. I think that there was no way Lamps was going to miss that penalty and show not just the fans but also his manager what he is still made off. It also showed the rest of us just what Villas-Boas is made off as well and also that the old brigade at Chelsea are now about finished and on the way out.They have done their club proud in the past, but that was in the past and this new manager is the future. I for one think that he will lead his Chelsea team to great things despite what some of the English football journalists think. This guy is the business so you had better get used to it.

REVUE OF TIPS GIVEN LAST WEEK.

It was a turbulent week but none the less a very exciting one and ultimately a winning one for the blog's tips. I had an over all profit of £11.00 with four from the six tips coming in . Not a fortune I must admit but a profit none the less . I have always maintained that what goes round comes around. So it was with the "SUNDAY BEST" tip Sunderland. One nil down with six minutes to go and ended up winning 2 - 1. An absolutely fantastic result for the return of one of the best managers in football Martin O' Neill and not a bad one for me either. Right enough I could also point out the other side of the coin with my tip Barnsley. Two nil up at half time and coasting. Second half seen them concede five goals and get thumped 3 - 5 . You just could not make it up. This is exactly what makes football a fantastic game to watch, and when you do have a punt it can be heart stopping stuff indeed. Long may my old ticker allow me to stick with it and enjoy games such as that one at Sunderland .

LAST WEEKS BREAKDOWN

MID-WEEK : ONE TIP : LOST :- DOWN £30.00

SATURDAY : 4 TIPS : 3 WON :1 LOST :- UP £14.00

SUNDAY.BEST : ONE TIP : WON :- UP £27.00

TOTAL LAID : £180.00 : TOTAL RETURNED £191.00

£11.00 PROFIT OVER THE WEEK.

PREMIER LEAGUE'S TOP SCORERS

NO 1 : ROBIN VAN ( THE MAN ) PERSIE - ARSENAL :- 15

  NO 2 : SERGIO AGUERO - MAN CITY :- 11

NO 2 : DEMBA BA - NEWCASTLE UTD :- 11

  NO 2 : WAYNE ROONEY - MAN UTD :- 11

  NO 5 : EDIN DZEKO - MAN CITY :- 10

EUROPA LEAGUE WEDNESDAY

4/7 STEAUA BUCHAREST win v AEK LARNACA

RESULT :- STEAUA BUCHAREST 3 - 1 AEK LARNACA

LAID :- £30.00 / RETURNED :- £47 00

SATURDAY : 3 x £30.00 WIN SINGLES

8/11 MK DONS win v PRESTON

RESULT :- MK DONS 0 - 1 PRESTON

1/1 STEVENAGE win v TRANMERE

  RESULT :- STEVENAGE 2 - 1 TRANMERE

4/5 BURTON win v DAGENHAM and RED

RESULT :- BURTON 1 - 1 DAG and RED

LAID OUT :- £90.00 : RETURNED :- £60.00

****** SUNDAY BEST *****

2/5 TOTTENHAM win v SUNDERLAND

RESULT :- TOTTENHAM 1 - 0 SUNDERLAND

LAID OUT :- £30.00 : RETURNED :- £42.00

PROFIT / LOSS TO-DATE : SEASON 11/12

TOTAL MONEY STAKED = £3,025.00

TOTAL MONEY RETURNED = £2,877.00

LOSS TO-DATE £1,148.00

TAKEN FROM THE GUARDIAN'S FIVER

"THE BIG RICH PETROL-SPLURGING TWO

The Fiver is of course a massive fan of football. All things to do with football - not just one small bit, or only half of the things to do with football, or even a quarter or 75%. The Fiver is a fan of it all, all the time, without exception. When it comes to mad-keen football fandom it goes like this. Tim Lovejoy. Prince William. That Portsmouth bell-ringing man with great bouncing tattooed man-belly. Then the Fiver. Then fresh air. Then everyone else.

One of the many things that makes the Fiver one of the world's top all-football fans - rather than, say, someone who just happened to get into writing snarky things about people involved in football as a laughable, quite temporary-seeming but in fact horribly persistent so-called "career" option - is the Fiver's love of the great club games. Those timeless match-ups that seem to be a vehicle for wider forces. For example Spain's El Clasico, which pits the tiny, loveable non-corporate, sustainable wooden shoe-wearing Steve Jobs-style ewoks of Barcelona against Real Madrid's evil Franco-worshipping Death Star-building Microsoft-esque Fourth Reich. Or the Glasgow derby, which gives the hate-crazed nutcases of [insert Glasgow team here] the opportunity to shout complex historical abuse at the hate-crazed nutcases of [other Glasgow team].

So many great games, such a rich sense of cultural history - and the good news is the Premier League now finally has one to compete with the best of them. Yes, this evening Chelsea will host Manchester City in the latest, and most frothingly exciting, clash of the Big Rich Petrol-Splurging Two, a match the Fiver is confident will soon be routinely referred to as El Carbonco. Like all the great games it's very much a meeting of ideological opposites: the fossil-fuel powered newbie against the fossil-fuel powered slightly olderbie; the overpaid squad of hardened Euro-mercenaries against the overpaid squad of Euro-mercenaries; the ones in blue against the ones in blue. So many points of contrast. It's like E.ON versus npower. Do you like your transformative oil money extracted from Persian Gulf state wells? Or do you prepare Siberian natural gas?

For City this is a chance to re-establish a 19-point league at the top of table [note: Fiver's extreme football fandom prevents it from checking the exact number of points involved here]. They will have to do so without marauding Micah Richards, who has calf-knack. Plus it's also defiant T-shirt time for Mario Balotelli who is in trouble after being spotted in the wee hours of Sunday in a city-centre restaurant called, for some reason, Zouk. Chelsea must cope without David Luiz who is banned for passing 500 domestic bookings for the season.

And with that, all that remains is to settle in for the season's first El Carbonco. Will it be victory for the ones with the handsome thrusting young manager in the nice suit? The ones who used to be a slightly boring, annihilating force but are now a bit more exciting? Or the ones who have affected a destabilising mini-boom on an entire league structure in the past few years? All that seems certain is that the Fiver will be hoping for a match full of raw passion, men being angry at referees, pictures of Frank Lampard sitting down looking glum and both clubs put in a sack at the end and thrown into the Thames from the Wandsworth Embankment. The Fiver is fairly confident that it only thought that last bit inside its head.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Gary has been fantastic - he has impressed everybody. People like listening to him - I know I certainly do. The hour on a Monday night before the game is always fascinating, hearing someone talk who knows what they're talking about. I don't think he has been outspoken at all - that's the one thing he hasn't been. He has done Manchester City games, Liverpool, Tottenham, Arsenal, Chelsea and I think he has given a fair account of what has been happening. Even though he is a die-hard United fan I don't think anyone can label what he has said. Since he's been on Sky I think he has been pretty impartial" - Phil Neville offers a completely impartial verdict on his brother's punditry skills.

FIVER LETTERS

"Re: Friday's last line. After falling for the first drop of his shoulder five times, and guessing his first movement wrong, I gave up. What chance did Peter Reid et al have?" - Jack Millington.

"Am I drunk? I just read a joke in the Fiver and had to explain to colleagues why I was laughing out loud in the office" - Jon Clark.

Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver.

BITS AND BOBS

Yet more proof that football fans aren't always Mensa-botherers: after some controversial decisions from the referee Chris Foy in their match at Stoke, Tottenham fans have bombarded Sir Chris Hoy with sour nothings on social-networking travesty Twitter.

Nicolas Anelka has signed a two-year-deal to accept loads of coin from Chinese club Shanghai Shenhua, whom he will join in January. Shanghai also want to throw money at Didier Drogba.

Bolton manager Owen Coyle ain't 'fraid of no P45. "I have never ran from a fight in my life," he said, "but if someone felt there was a better solution for the football club, I have no problem with that."

Arsenal fans have received a boost with the news that Andre Santos will be out for around three months. There was more good news when Marouane Chamakh announced he may leave the club next summer in pursuit of regular football.

Football club in principled behaviour shock: Sydney have fined their defender Shannon Cole for diving against Gold Coast United on Sunday.

And Johan Cruyff's latest tedious bid to control absolutely everything within a 500-mile radius received a boost when a judge temporarily suspended Louis van Gaal's appointment as Ajax director. Cruyff says the appointment clashes with his plan, some pompous-sounding youth project called The Future.

FOOTBALL TIPS AND COMMENT W/E 11th DECEMBER

2011-12-06T10:37:00.008Z

IS IT NEAR THE END FOR "BIG 'ECK" ?

I must admit that I never thought that Alex McLeish being made manager of Aston Villa would be a marriage made in heaven. Never mind that he had come from Villa's great rivals Birmingham . That was bad enough in itself. However I am sure that the fact that Alex seems to be a very keen proponent of what I call the "Wallie Smith school of anti-football ", would never be acceptable at Villa Park.
This tactic which seems to consist in the main of a totally defensive set up with ten men behind the ball. Then a punt up field and a charge forward, always making sure that there are still plenty of bodies behind the ball.This is anti-football as far as I can see.
To be fair Alex is not working with the likes of Messi or Ronaldo but he has some very decent players at his disposal. They and the fans deserve much more. So is it fast approaching the end for the manager ? A lot will depend on the results between now and January but it does look grim for him. I think that the majority of the fans gave him the benefit of the doubt at the start of the season. What they have seen since though has made them change there minds. After all why pay to be bored to death when you can sit at home and watch repeats on the tele and save your money in these hard times. Looking at Villa's attendance figures suggest that a lot are taking up the stay at home option.

REVUE OF TIPS GIVEN W/E 27th of NOVEMBER.

The past week seen a return to winning ways.With Three out of four tips winning giving a profit of £30. I was more than happy to settle for that. My stated aim over the last few weeks has been to get this site into profit by the end of the Xmas and New Year festivities. It was all looking very well and positive when the deficit was only in double figures but that very bad Saturday a couple of weeks ago put the dampers on that. So much work has to be done over the next four weeks.It can of course be done but to be honest and realistic about it I would be very happy to settle for the short fall to be in double figures .

LAST WEEKS BREAKDOWN

MID-WEEK : ONE TIP : WON :- UP £17.00

SATURDAY : 2 TIPS : 1 WON/ 1 LOST :- DOWN £20.00

SUNDAY.BEST : ONE TIP : WON :- UP £33.00

TOTAL LAID : £120.00 : TOTAL RETURNED £150.00

£30.00 PROFIT OVER THE WEEK.

PREMIER LEAGUE'S TOP SCORERS

NO 1 : ROBIN VAN ( THE MAN ) PERSIE - ARSENAL :- 14

  NO 2 : SERGIO AGUERO - MAN CITY :- 11

NO 3 : EDIN DZEKO - MAN CITY :- 10

4 : DEMBA BA - NEWCASTLE UTD :- 9

  4 : YAKUBU - BLACKBURN ROV'S :- 9

  4 : WAYNE ROONEY - MAN UTD :- 9

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE TUESDAY

4/7 BAYER LEVERKUSEN (a) win v GENK

RESULT :- BAYER LEVERKUSEN 1 - 1 GENK

LAID :- £30.00 / RETURNED :- £0 00

@  SATURDAY : 4 x £30.00 WIN SINGLES @

4/7 ARSENAL win v EVERTON

  RESULT :- ARSENAL 1 - 0 EVERTON

1/3 LIVERPOOL win v Q.P.R.

  RESULT :- LIVERPOOL 1 - 0 Q.P.R.

11/10 BARNSLEY win v IPSWICH

  RESULT :- BARNSLEY 3 - 5 IPSWICH

4/7 SHEFFIELD UTD win v ROCHDALE

  RESULT :- SHEFFIELD UTD 3 - 0 ROCHDALE

LAID OUT :- £120.00 : RETURNED :- £134.00

SUNDAY BEST

10/11 SUNDERLAND win v BLACKBURN

RESULT :- SUNDERLAND 2 - 1 BLACKBURN

LAID OUT :- £30.00 : RETURNED :- £57.00

PROFIT / LOSS TO-DATE : SEASON 11/12

TOTAL MONEY STAKED = £2,845.00

TOTAL MONEY RETURNED = £2,686.00

LOSS TO-DATE £159.00

TAKEN FROM THE GUARDIAN'S FIVER

"A LITTLE BIT OF LUCK, BUT NO MORE LUCAS

The Fiver's not what you'd call a lucky tea-time email. There was the time a horseshoe made entirely out of four-leafed clovers fell on our head, the afternoon a leprechaun pick-pocketed our winning lottery ticket and – worst of all – the day we had to watch an entire Stoke game on television. Showing that the universe is a balanced kind of place, Liverpool will equal a club-record seventh successive away win in all competitions should they beat Fulham tonight, something which Kenny Dalglish partly puts down to fortune.

"The players have gone about their work the same way away as they have at home but we haven't got the result our performances have deserved at Anfield," he said. "But away from home, maybe we've had at times that little bit of luck that helps you go over the line," he added, recalling how Chris Brunt was pulled into a rip in the space-time continuum just as he was about to put the ball past Pepe Reina in October, not to mention Chelsea's decision to start David Luiz in Liverpool's 2-1 victory at Stamford Bridge last month.

Still Dalglish has suffered a dose of bad fortune of late, with Lucas being ruled out for the season. "We are all really sad for him because he's been one of the best players for us again this season," blubbed Charlie Adam, who is likely to start alongside Jay Spearing this evening. "He's a terrific player and it's a big blow for us. He is going to be a loss."

Another man whose name is likely to feature on the teamsheet tonight is Maxi Rodríguez, who scored a hat-trick at Craven Cottage last season. "He is an intelligent footballer and he must have been some player five years ago when he was in his prime," said Dalglish in a top piece of damnation with faint praise. "He might be getting a bit towards my age now [Rodríguez is 30] but he is still a clever, intelligent footballer."

Although Fulham are likely to have Clint Dempsey back after a thigh injury, Damien Duff is set to miss the game with calf-knack. Martin Jol has bigger things to worry about though, like the huge dragon that will swoop down and swallow Bobby Zamora whole, just as he's through to score a 93rd-minute equaliser.

• Follow Fulham 1-3 Liverpool with Simon Burnton's minute-by-minute report from 7.30pm.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"It's a protest vote. This vote is not a signal that Borisov is the best player but that the Bulgarian football needs reforms and a new policy. I suggest the organisers should annul the vote or they should hand the award to the best young player" - apart from referring to himself in the third person, Bulgaria's prime minister Boiko Borisov, an occasional striker for third division side Vitosha Bistritsa, is modesty itself after triumphing in a fans' Player of the Year poll with 44% of the votes. Manchester United striker Dimitar Berbatov came second with 24%.

RUDDY HECK, NOT THEM AGAIN

Raymond Kopa – Raymond Kopaszewski for long, known to his friends as "the Napoleon of Football" – lived in another era. He still lives in this era, it must be said – he turned 80 in October, and continues to exist very happily in the sunny Mediterranean island of Corsica – but he lived in another one too. By way of evidence, while trying to earn a little money to keep his family in pommes de terre he lost a finger in a tragic childhood coal-wagon-pushing accident, which is not an injury that the likes Jack Wilshere or Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain have ever risked. But poor, little, nine-fingered Ray became one of the finest footballers of his era. Of any of his eras. Or any other eras, even the ones that weren't his. And when some bloke from France Football came up with the idea of a Ballon d'Or in 1956, Kopa's name featured on the first shortlist, and the second, and then the third (he won that one), and also the fourth.

For more than half a century this achievement – to feature in four successive Ballon d'Or top-threes – remained unequalled. Johan Cruyff, Bobby Charlton, Gerd Muller, Ferenc Puskas, Alfredo Di Stefano, Diego Maradona, Michel Platini, Marco Van Basten, Fat Ronaldo, Nicklas Bendtner, Zinedine Zidane – generations of legends have wowed the world and not a single one of them has equalled Kopa's feat. Until last year, when his epic achievement was finally matched. Twice. And this year it will be bettered. Twice.

And that is why Raymond Kopa will have looked at the three-man Ballon d'Or shortlist announced by Fifa this morning and thought: ruddy heck, not them again.

Then there's Platini, the only person ever to be nominated for the Ballon d'Or on five occasions, and the only man ever to win it three years in a row. It is 26 years since he stole off with the 1985 ballon on the final occasion that he bothered the shortlist-compilers. This year, the first of those epic achievements will finally be equalled. Twice. The second might go as well. And that is why Michel Platini will have looked at the three-man Ballon d'Or shortlist announced by Fifa this morning and thought: ruddy heck, not them again.

Just as in 2007, 2008, 2009 and 2010, Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi will officially be named among the top three players in the world in 2011. The eldest of them is still only 26, and still has a good five successive nominations ahead of him if he stays out of trouble. They're brilliant. Phenomenons. But we know. Surely there's a point where they cease making history and start embarrassing history, taking the mickey out of it, sneaking a "kick me" post-it sticker onto the back of history and swaggering behind it, sniggering. Perhaps it's time to retire the Ballon d'Or for a few years and give them time to play out their careers without further demeaning the brilliant achievements of our heroes of yesteryear. Perhaps Fifa could consider creating a Ballon de Diamant, an even shinier bauble to be contested only by La Liga's two over-gilded goleadores, thus allowing the rest of the world's footballers, the ones who are actually human, to have a pop at the golden one.

Had it not been for those two, another player would this year have become the first man since Platini, the first in a quarter of a century, to make three successive shortlists. This makes him, by any reasonable definition, one of the very best footballers of the last three decades. But he's got a gnat in hell's chance of winning the thing, and that is why Xavi will have looked at the three-man Ballon d'Or shortlist announced by Fifa this morning and thought: ruddy heck, not them again.

FOOTBALL TIPS AND COMMENT W/E 4th DECEMBER

2011-11-29T12:31:00.008Z

THE SAME OLD AND TIRED COMPLAINT

Here we go again with the same old moan about our tired superstars. This old moan is I am afraid being uttered by a manager for whom I have much respect Mancini of Manchester City.This time I think that he has it well wrong. He is a manager with a large pool of multi million pound players to pick from. Most of the rest of the Premiership managers would give their eye teeth to have half the players he has at his disposal. Looking back to my time in Civil Engineering working on the motorways of England. We used to work seven twelve hour shifts. Then go the pub grab a snack ,sink a few pints then be ready to pick up the darts or domino's and play for our pub team. As I remember it through the mists of time we had no complaints at all. Being healthy ,young and having a few bob in the pocket it was a pleasure to be there and play to our beer fuelled best. All thoughts of weariness left our minds as we aimed for that double top.
If these over paid superstars cannot cope with a couple of games a week let them try working seven twelve hour shifts. Some how I do think that being asked to do five seven hour shifts would be too much for the poor wee souls. I think that they would sooner sell their old grannies than do a bit of work. Crack the whip and give them a good kick up the back side Mr Mancini and stop all this mamby pamby crap. An awful lot of your fans who turn out to support you and your team earn their money the hard way and deserve better than this drivel.

PREMIER LEAGUE'S TOP SCORERS

NO 1 : ROBIN VAN ( THE MAN ) PERSIE - ARSENAL :- 13

  NO 2 : EDIN DZEKO - MAN CITY :- 10

NO 3 : SERGIO AGUERO - MAN CITY :- 10

  NO 4 :DEMBA BA - NEWCASTLE UTD :- 9

NO 5 : WAYNE ROONEY - MAN UTD :- 9

REVUE OF TIPS GIVEN W/E 27th of NOVEMBER.

A thoroughly disastrous week. In fact the worst this season and I have had some bad ones indeed . With seven tips given and only two winning it was very painful. In fact I am sure that more winners would have been got by me simply throwing darts at a pinned up football coupon from twenty feet. Still life and the season , my comments and tips "albeit with a suitable health warning " carry on. Suitably chastened I do think it would be hard to do any worse than last week. Anyway an end to all that grovelling and so on to the new dawn with renewed vigour and hopefully better tips.

LAST WEEKS BREAKDOWN

MID-WEEK : ONE TIP : LOST :- DOWN £30.00

SATURDAY : 5 TIPS : 2 WON/ 3 LOST :- DOWN £59.00

SUNDAY.BEST : ONE TIP : LOST :- DOWN £30.00

TOTAL LAID : £210.00 : RETURN £91.00

£119.00 LOST OVER THE WEEK.

EUROPA LEAGUE WEDNESDAY

4/7 BRAGA win v BIRMINGHAM

RESULT :- BRAGA 1 - 0 BIRMINGHAM

LAID £30.00 : RETURNED £47.00

   SATURDAY TWO x £30 win SINGLES

1/3 TOTTENHAM win v BOLTON

  RESULT :- TOTTENHAM 3 - 0 BOLTON

8/13 WEST HAM win v BURNLEY

  RESULT :- WEST HAM 1 - 2 BURNLEY

LAID £60.00 : RETURNED £40.00

SUNDAY BEST

11/10 CARDIFF win v BIRMINGHAM

RESULT :- CARDIFF 1 - 0 BIRMINGHAM

LAID £30.00 : RETURNED £63.00

PROFIT / LOSS TO-DATE : SEASON 11/12

TOTAL MONEY STAKED = £2,725.00

TOTAL MONEY RETURNED = £2,536.00

LOSS TO-DATE £189.00

TAKEN FROM THE GUARDIAN'S FIVER

"GARY SPEED (1969-2011)

Yesterday's shocking announcement of the death of Gary Speed at the age of 42 was up there with any 'stop all the clocks' news the Fiver has ever heard about anything. On Saturday, we watched the Wales manager joshing along with his old mucker Gary McAllister on the Football Focus sofa; 24 hours later we were among hundreds of thousands of football fans numbed with total disbelief by the astonishing revelation that he was dead; a great man gone at a preposterously young age, leaving behind a wife, Louise, and two sons, Tommy and Ed.

A planned minute's silence interrupted by spontaneous applause and the chant of "there's only one Gary Speed" at Swansea's Liberty Stadium was as warm, generous and fitting a tribute as any paid to a combative midfielder who made 677 senior appearances for Leeds United, Everton, Newcastle United, Bolton Wanderers and Sheffield United during a 22-year club career. A model professional with pin-up looks, Speed represented his country 85 times, more than any other outfield player, going on to take over the managerial reins of a Wales team in disarray and taking surprisingly little time to whip it into shape.

Since news of Speed's tragic death broke, confused, stunned and baffled football folk have been queuing up to pay glowing tributes to a man about whom nobody seems to have had a bad word to say. "There was never a hint of this, never," said his visibly distraught friend and former team-mate Robbie Savage, who described Speed as his captain, his hero and his mate. "He had a beautiful wife, two gorgeous kids. He had a great job and a great team and he was on the verge of something big. I don't know why this has happened and I don't think I ever will but I know it was an honour to be his team-mate and his friend."

Savage's bewilderment and grief was typical of those stunned by the sad news, with the normally chirpy pundit Chris Kamara, a team-mate of Speed's at Leeds United, looking uncharacteristically ashen-faced as he described yesterday as one of the darkest days of his life. On Sky Sports News this morning, reporter Bryn Law wept with grief as he delivered the latest on the death of his friend from outside Elland Road. "His life was about standards, he had a high standard for everything that he did," said Sam Allardyce, who signed Speed for Bolton Wanderers. "To sum it up, if you had a daughter and she brought Gary Speed home you'd be delighted."

As the eulogies continue to pour in for an immensely popular man, the Football Association of Wales has opened a book of remembrance at its offices in Cardiff, while an area outside has been set aside for a Garden of Remembrance. "The tributes to him are endless – we are going to miss him tremendously in Welsh football, the world of football is going to miss him," said the FAW president, Phil Pritchard. "I've already had a personal communication from Mr Blatter, the president of Fifa and from Mr Platini. That's the respect that he has."

An inquest into Speed's death will be opened at the coroner's court in Warrington tomorrow.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"We are a bunch of dwarfs and we need to improve" - After Barcelona's 1-0 defeat to Getafe, Dani Alves sums up a problem that will not go away, with or without special hormone growth medicine.

HURLING A COMPRESSED AIR CYLINDER INTO SKRTEL'S JAWS

Showbusiness, as the Fiver knows all too well, can be a perverse and demanding mistress. One minute you're down. The next minute you're still down, or maybe even slightly further down but dogged by a false sense of having peaked about 12 years ago when the world seemed young and football was yet to become self-satirising but was there to be mocked and chided from the uncrowded fringes. It is truly a rollercoaster existence and many a promising teatime email career has been derailed by fame, money, debauched orgiastic costume parties*, disillusionment, old age, the deadening effect of endless repetition and the natural process of not being very funny anymore.

Happily this has never been a problem for light entertainment's Mario Balotelli, who always seems to have something fresh to offer. The Fiver is thinking particularly of the times when Balotelli threw a dart at a youth-team player, let his friends set fire to his bathroom, inserted a family-sized Toblerone into the exhaust of Joleon Lescott's Renault Espace and caused part of Manchester City's training facility to explode after using it to conduct small-scale thermal energy experiments using radioactive plutonium, spray string and a colony of syphilitic vermin*.

Imagine, then, the Fiver's excitement when it emerged during yesterday's 1-1 thrashing by title-chasing Liverpool that Balotelli had managed to get himself sent off. And imagine also the Fiver's subsequent disappointment when it turned out that this involved nothing more interesting than a shirt-yank kerfuffle with moon-faced, sad Glen Johnson and a tame collision with the side of Martin Skrtel's impenetrable dinosaur skull. Frankly, this isn't good enough. In madcap antics terms it's like the Fiver turning in 1,000 carefully reasoned words on what's gone wrong with the Chelsea back-line, or Jeremy Beadle recording a Saturday evening TV show where he simply gives people parking tickets, or tows away their caravan and destroys it, without at any point suggesting that it's a prank, or that this is all on TV and things will all be fine, but simply walking off sullenly at the end after a job well done.

How hard could it have been to have added a little magic? Balotelli might have disabled Skrtel by encouraging him to take part in a moped chase down the M62, or hurling a compressed air cylinder into his jaws and shooting it with a rifle, causing Skrtel's head to explode memorably. Instead Balotelli fans will have been left echoing the feelings of kindly Roberto Mancini this morning, when he described Balotelli's sending off as "nothing" and blamed Liverpool players for pointing out that Bad Mario had just done a bad thing rather than blaming Bad Mario for doing a bad thing in the first place. The Fiver is inclined to agree with King Kenny's verdict that "sometimes, if you look in the mirror, you get the answer" - but only if that answer is a response to the question "what does King Kenny look like staring straight at you quite close up?"

The good news for City fans is that Balotelli will now get to serve his suspension during Tuesday's historically irrelevant 2-1 second-string Carling Cup defeat by the jinking hype-sprites of the Arsenal third team. The bad news is that this leaves plenty of time to bounce back from what has been, frankly, a hugely disappointingly weekend of non-zany antics from no-longer-that-madcap Mario.

* Not true